


An Expansion of Self, or Love's Loss and What Comes Next

by schwartz1e



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Amnesty, F/F, im gay and soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-03 22:02:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17292236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schwartz1e/pseuds/schwartz1e
Summary: You heard once in a story that someone’s capacity for love increases with every person they meet. Slowly but surely, yours does. Or how Aubrey confesses to Dani…slowly but surely.





	An Expansion of Self, or Love's Loss and What Comes Next

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Candlenights! This was written for the Queer TAZ Secret Santa on tumblr, for @grayadoxography!

You heard once in a story that someone’s capacity for love increases with every person they meet. When you were younger, it sounded like a magical and romantic notion. You never hesitated to tell your friends you loved them; some of them thought it was weird, but most appreciated and returned the sentiment. And your parents--of course you loved your parents, and they loved you, and you told each other as much often.

And then they died, and you weren’t sure what to do with the love for them that you still had inside you. Because what is the point of love if you just give and give and there’s no one there to receive it and funnel it back out, to you, to others?

You kept moving, focusing on anything but the gnawing feeling inside of you that was your love searching for a way out. You tried to pour it into your magic, turning your passion for others into passion for tricks and performing. It worked, for a little bit. Until that feeling inside of you escaped and turned into something you couldn’t explain or control. 

When Mama found you outside of that burning building, you felt a little emptier, a little lost. When you arrived at Amnesty Lodge...well, it was hard to explain, but you felt something in you expand, ready to burst out of you at any moment. 

\---

Duck and Ned fall into your life and fit themselves there and you call it destiny. You fall in love with them quickly (but not like that, gross, Ned is old and Duck is...well, he’s Duck, and they’re like the brother and uncle you never had). The first time you tell them you love them, after your first mission, their reactions are unexpectedly pleasant. Ned laughs. He absorbs the information like a sponge, soaks it up and wrings it out as says he loves you too, boisterous and loud so the whole Lodge hears. Duck takes a moment. You can see him process what you said, turn it over like he’s savoring something sweet, and then he smiles and speaks as softly as he ever does, says it back slow like molasses. 

This is how you learn to love them. 

Ned is reckless in everything he does. If he takes a second to stop and think about what he’s doing, it’s only because he needs to figure out the biggest and most extravagant way to do it. His impulsivity is not usually a flaw, per se. It’s his heart and mind and soul laid bare on his sleeve. He has his secrets, sure, doesn’t everyone? Ned shows his sincerity in other aspects of his life. You’ve never once doubted him when he says he loves you. 

Duck is...well, he’s Duck. He’s got more secrets than you and Ned combined. He protects himself with layers of armor and you’ve seen it crack just a handful of times. Duck can’t lie though. The slightest fib gets stuck in his throat, he stutters and swears, and it just doesn’t work. You trust him more than anyone you’ve ever met, save your parents. When he tells you he loves you, it’s never a spur of the moment thing. It’s like he wants to burn the words onto your soul, so you never forget. You hold his love close to your heart.

\---

You work and fight and almost die together and through it all you can feel this love grow inside of you and you want it to grow so big that it finally fills up that empty space inside of you where your parents’ love used to sit. Instead, Ned and Duck’s love wraps around it like a vine on a trellis. They surround the space, making you more aware of it with every passing moment. Ned and Duck are wonderful, and supportive, but they could never replace your parents. 

On the other hand, they aren’t asking to replace them. They aren’t responsible people. They’re barely authoritative, Duck more so than Ned, for sure. But they have never given you the impression that they wanted to take care of you in a more serious way than they have. If anyone were to replace your parents, it would be Mama but there’s something about her that you don’t quite trust yet. You love her, sure, but it’s a fledgling thing, a sprout that needs to be tended to carefully before it can bloom.

\---

There’s been another love growing inside you that you’ve been steadfastly ignoring. It’s different and unfamiliar, and so you hope that the lack of care, not enough sunlight and too little water, will kill it, or at least weaken it enough so you can uproot it and put it somewhere else. 

She makes it so difficult, though! Since the first time you met her, when you were so overwhelmed by how pretty she is that you almost set the Lodge on fire, you can’t help but look for her when you enter a room. She’s who you seek out when you’re bored. You find yourself wondering what she would think about the bom-boms you’re fighting, what she would do or say if she was fighting alongside you. At the same time, that thought fills you with so much dread and fear. If anything happens to her...you’re not sure what you’d do.

Dani doesn’t fight, thankfully. She takes care of Dr. Harris Bonkers and takes you to the springs and walks next to you in the forest, and you talk. You discuss everything and nothing. You tell her about the bom-boms (not enough to scare her) and about Duck and Ned. You know her favorite food and her favorite color, and she knows how you came to find Dr. Harris Bonkers and support him through his doctorate program. You spend hours with each other, and when it comes time for you to part ways, you say goodbye, and everytime you have to stop yourself from saying anything else. 

\---

You know she notices when you don’t say anything. You say those three words to everyone--to Ned, to Duck, to Barclay, to Jake Coolice--but you refuse to let them slip around her. She pretends not to mind, does sweet things for you like bring you flowers that she picked and buys you food when you forget to eat. Even the smallest gesture makes your heart flutter and your stomach flip. Sparks fly, literally; you’ve almost caught her hair on fire more times than you can count. 

Your feelings for Dani are getting very big and very scary very quickly. One night, as you’re lying in bed, restless, you force yourself to stop and think about those feelings very seriously.

You love Dani. Obviously. Besides Duck and Ned, she’s your best friend here at the Lodge. She’s kind, and funny, and she understands how it feels to deal with the bom-boms and the constant threat of discovery by non-Sylvains. You can joke with her just as easily as you can discuss your fears. There’s never a dull moment when you’re together. Your heart races when you’re with her, your pulse so loud there’s no way she can’t hear it when you’re walking next to each other through the woods behind the Lodge. You never want to let go when you hug her goodbye. You want to hold her hand. You want to kiss her. You want--

Focus. You take a deep breath. 

You love Dani. Obviously. You would do anything for her. The thought of her getting hurt sends a shock of pain through your chest. The thought of her not being at the Lodge makes your throat close up. You’re close to tears at just the idea of her not being in your life for whatever reason. 

You begin to throw a small flame from hand to hand, careful to keep it away from your sheets. You think some more. And then before you can overthink anything, you’re getting out of bed and throwing on a hoodie and heading down the hall. 

It’s late, very very late. She shouldn’t be awake right now. Everyone at the Lodge needs their rest after the last bom-bom attack, but you know you won’t be able to close your eyes for even a second until you tell her everything.

You knock. You wait. You toss that small flame between your hands again.

Just as you’re about to give up, she opens the door. Dani’s hair is sticking up at odd angles, and she looks blearly, but when her eyes focus on you she grins broadly, like you didn’t just wake her up at an ungodly hour, holding fire in your hands like it’s a flashlight. You take in her disheveled appearance, her bright eyes and her sharp-toothed smile. Something inside you swells and bursts and fills you up.

\---

You heard once in a story that someone’s capacity for love increases with every person they meet. After your parents died, you were convinced that as the love you held inside you grew, it would fill the space their love left. What you’ve found instead is that everyone else’s love--Ned’s, Duck’s, and now Dani’s--fit themselves around it, holding it in place, supporting it and you.

This is how you learn to love Dani.

There are no secrets between the two of you. There are nights when you barely sleep because you can’t stop telling stories or discussing the bom-boms or the movie you saw that day. You hold her hand and kiss her whenever you want. You tell her you love her and she smiles. 

Dani likes the way you say it, she tells you one night. Like it’s the most important thing you’ll ever say. Like you want the whole world to hear it and no one to hear it, like it’s just meant for her. It’s sweet and savory all at once. It’s as precious as a diamond to her.

Dani doesn’t say it as often as you do. She shows you, instead. On the anniversary of your parents’ death, she makes your favorite meal, spends hours in the kitchen of the Lodge, and then holds you when you cry into it and is ready with pizza and ice cream. She buys you pins for your jacket and gives you flowers just because it’s Tuesday and cuts your hair and feeds Dr. Bonkers when you forget. 

When Dani does tell you she loves you, it’s like music. It’s your favorite blanket, warm from the dryer. It’s a steady rock to lean against when everything seems like it’s too much. 

\---

There’s no replacing your parents’ love; it’s all about what comes after. What comes after is moving forward. What comes after is expanding your self to encapsulate the love that still exists inside you and the new love that will come. What comes after is peace, and friendship, and Dani.

She smiles at you, and everything is fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Twitter: @schwartzie7
> 
> Tumblr: @fully-realized-creation
> 
> kofi.com/schwartzie for fic and beta requests. 
> 
> I love you.


End file.
